Please note: This post contains affiliate links.
When I initially came to be a mom, I understood that I wanted to do things differently than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best job they could, yet they didn’t have accessibility to the myriad of positive parenting tools offered today. Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf concerning managing power struggles, how to discipline the stubborn child, as well as how to get your kids to do what you say. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I clearly remember thinking at the time, “My mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure what exactly they discovered in those books, however I experienced a great deal of spanking, a lot of yelling, and a great deal of just plain losing control.
It was a tough number of years. And our connection is still not the best today, although I have truly forgiven them for what happened. I have actually begun to recognize that, while no one is without fault, it is our responsibility to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I intended to stop the cycle when I became a mommy.Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my plan Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
My very own experience with positive parenting started when my first daughter was born. I began checking out blog posts regarding how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, yelling, severe punishments as well as basically every other traditionally approved parenting strategy.
I began to assume, “Well, if you can’t do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I know there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable every person to get their needs fulfilled. I learned about:
• Managing power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How all of these ideas cause healthy and balanced child development Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
During my learning experience, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. But he brought his own unique viewpoint. He had two teenage boys from a previous marriage, and also had witnessed firsthand how being the “mean father” could seem to help temporarily. However in the long run, it was only fostering disrespect, contempt and also bitterness in what was meant to be a caring parent-child partnership.
Considering his background and learning exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to studying and also employing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting really mean anyway? Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
Let me inform you what it does not indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Disregarding major misbehavior
• Providing your children whatever they want Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “real life”
• Having no limits
You might see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting method identifies the reality that cooperation always generates far better lasting results than harsh control.
Parents who adopt this design have learned to promote:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Developing a child’s foundational character and morals
• Assisting children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not since they fear punishment if they don’t … Besides, what happens when they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Recommendation that both children as well as parents need to be listened to and valued
• Assisting kids to develop self-discipline
• Going much deeper than simple outside conformity as well as concentrating on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started down the road of gentle parenting, I couldn’t picture that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and screaming. That’s exactly how I was parented, and I simply had no framework for anything different. Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert as well as founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has served as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line program.
Find the root of the behavior
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s commonly widely accepted (as well as much more typical in today’s world) to presume children are simply spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
However we can get a lot farther toward fixing power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs similar to you and me. As well as often times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development spectrum. Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-control) is not yet matured. That means they can go from cloud nine one minute to complete meltdown the next. Rather than fighting a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Toddlers have little self-control to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that indicates there is typically a main feeling below it
• The majority of angry children are really scared and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any basic needs that must be met first. For instance, if a child is hungry or tired, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Focus on meeting that big need initially.
• Acknowledge his emotions without approving of the behavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely upset because I said we couldn’t go to the park today. I understand it’s difficult because you really really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and also I will not let you do it”) … After that, move away to protect yourself if required.
• Focusing way too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the situation even worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and say firmly “I’m mad!” Or ball his hands into fists and also growl. The point is to enable him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting benefits all ages – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens and everything in between. So let’s talk about teens in our following example … Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we desire to obtain from our child, we should be eager to offer. If I am impolite, manipulative and also sarcastic to my teenager simply because I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or since “my child started it,” what do you assume that reveals to my child?
It is a lot easier to give respect to a person when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mama or daddy, you can set the standard as well as show your teen that you value their point of view, and also you appreciate them as a person. Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
This does not suggest you have to be a pushover. But it does indicate you can be kind when faced with problems. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you realize to set the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.
In a comparable way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we say. So, if we desire our teen to treat us with even more respect, the very first step is to make sure that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everybody in your life. Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
Are you kind to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer care representative on the phone? In every one of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I could share a personal recollection …
Just a few days ago, my two daughters were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old just how she really felt, and she stated she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, after that came back and returned the swiped sticker label, apologized as well as requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged as well as started playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or intimidate any individual to deal with the problem. And yet we experienced a peaceful resolution. You know why? Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
Since we have modeled for our children how to problem solve, how to fix disputes, as well as even just how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with everybody around us with respect, and also model the habits we want, you would be astonished at what’s possible.
Some readers could be curious about my husband, Antonio, and his 2 teen boys from a previous relationship. Over time, Antonio has started parenting positively also, and the restoration of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.
Exactly how can you come to be a positive parent? Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
This is the million-dollar question! Knowing positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I have actually ever done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be tough to change your old ways. Little by little, you will make improvements. And a year or 2 from now, you won’t believe just how much you’ve transformed, together with the closer relationship you have with your kids.
I advise anyone who is serious about becoming a much more positive mama or father to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of number of media networks. Her products have actually been life-changing for greater than 75,000 moms and dads across the globe, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can really use every day.
In her free class, Amy shares how to get kids of every age to behave WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, and also discover how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the free webinar by clicking the button shown below. Age Of Opportunity: Lessons From The New Science Of Adolescence
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.