Boundaries For Adult Children – How I Used Positive Parenting to Finally Get My Kids to Listen

Boundaries For Adult Children
HAZEL DEAN
Wife to Antonio, and mommy of two girls

When I initially came to be a mom, I understood that I wished to do things differently than how I was parented. My mother and father did the very best they could, yet they didn’t have access to the wide variety of positive parenting tools offered today. Boundaries For Adult Children

There were a few books on our bookshelf about handling power struggles, how to discipline the strong-willed child, as well as how to get your kids to do what you say. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I noticeably recall thinking at the time, “My mom and dad do not understand me.”

I’m not sure just what they found out in those books, yet I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a great deal of yelling, and a lot of just plain tempers raging.

It was a hard period of time. And also our relationship is still not the best today, although I have genuinely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I have actually begun to realize that, while nobody is perfect, it is our duty to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I intended to stop the cycle when I became a mom.Boundaries For Adult Children

From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my strategy Boundaries For Adult Children

My own experience with positive parenting started when my first daughter was born. I started reading blog posts about just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged with spanking, screaming, extreme punishments and pretty much every other traditionally approved parenting method.

I started to assume, “Well, if you can’t do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I know there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow everyone to get their needs satisfied. I learned more about:

• Problem-solving

• Handling power struggles

• Strong communication skills

• Natural consequences

• Just how all of these principles cause healthy and balanced child development Boundaries For Adult Children

Boundaries For Adult Children

Along the way, my husband Antonio joined my journey. But he brought a different viewpoint. He had 2 teen boys from a previous relationship, and had observed firsthand exactly how being the “mean dad” might seem to work temporarily. Long-term, it was only fostering disrespect, contempt and also bitterness in what was meant to be a loving parent-child connection.

Considering his history as well as learning precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to researching and also following through with positive parenting in our lives.

What does positive parenting really mean anyhow? Boundaries For Adult Children

Let me inform you what it does not imply. Positive parenting is NOT:

• Letting your kids do whatever they want

• Being a passive parent

• Ignoring major misbehavior

• Providing your children every little thing they want Boundaries For Adult Children

• Being a servant on-call 24/7

• Safeguarding your kids from what will be expected of them in “the real world”

• Having no restrictions

You might hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting technique acknowledges the truth that cooperation always yields much better long-term outcomes than strict control.

Moms and dads that adopt this design have actually learned to cultivate:

• Common respect

• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)

• Establishing healthy boundaries

• Building a child’s foundational character traits

Helping children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not due to the fact that they are afraid of punishment if they do not … Nevertheless, what occurs once they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?

• Recommendation that both children as well as parents need to be listened to and valued

• Encouraging kids to develop self-discipline

• Going much deeper than mere exterior conformity as well as focusing on the child’s heart

The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.

What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?

When I initially began down the road of gentle parenting, I couldn’t picture that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also screaming. That’s how I was parented, and I just had no understanding about anything different. Boundaries For Adult Children

I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert and also founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to thousands of moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System online program.

Below are a number of the strategies Amy shares to help you to come to be the mother or father you’ve always wanted to be, and encourage your child to reach his or her full potential.

Find the root of the behavior

I mentioned this is deep. It’s commonly widely accepted (and a lot more usual in today’s world) to assume children are simply spoiled brats, which is why they act out.

However we can progress a whole lot more towards solving power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs much like you and also me. As well as many times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re at on the brain as well as language development growth spectrum. Boundaries For Adult Children

As an example, a toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-control) is not yet formed. That indicates they can go from delighted one minute to complete tantrum the next. So rather than dealing with a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:

• Young children have little self-discipline to start with

• Anger is a secondary emotion – that means there is typically a primary emotion below it

• Many mad children are actually scared and/or sad

So what’s a peaceful parent to do?

• Determine if there are any kind of basic needs that must be addressed initially. As an example, if a child is hungry or tired, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Focus on meeting that huge need first.

• Validate his feelings without approving of the behavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely mad due to the fact that I said we couldn’t go to the park today. I understand it’s hard because you genuinely want to play on the swings. But, hitting hurts, so I won’t allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if necessary.

• Focusing too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he is OK to do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and also say loudly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands into clenched fists and growl. The objective is to enable him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.

Bear In Mind the Golden Rule

I informed you previously that positive parenting helps any age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teenagers and everything in between. So let’s think about young adults in our following scenario … Boundaries For Adult Children

Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we wish to get from our child, we should agree to give before anyone else. If I am rude, controlling as well as sarcastic to my teenager merely due to the fact that I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or since “my child started it,” what do you believe that communicates to my child?

It is a lot easier to offer respect to somebody when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or daddy, you can set the standard and also show your young adult that you value their opinion, and you value them as an individual. Boundaries For Adult Children

This doesn’t suggest you have to be a pushover. However it does mean you can be kind when faced with problems. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you realize to set the stage for problem solving with each other toward a resolution.

In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we want our teen to treat us with even more regard, the initial step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everybody in your life. Boundaries For Adult Children

Are you gentle to your spouse, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and also to the customer care associate on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.

Is positive parenting really effective?

I can answer this question with a resounding “Yes!” Or I could share a personal story …

Just recently, my two daughters were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old how she really felt, and she claimed she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.

My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, after that came back and returned the swiped sticker, apologized as well as asked for forgiveness.

They made up, embraced and also begun playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or intimidate any individual to fix the dispute. And also yet we experienced a lovely resolution. You know why? Boundaries For Adult Children

Since we have actually modeled for our children just how to problem solve, just how to resolve conflict, and even how to apologize. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will certainly repeat your actions.

The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with everyone around us with respect, as well as model the habits we want, you would certainly be astonished at what’s feasible.

Some readers may be wondering about my other half, Antonio, as well as his two teenage boys from a previous marriage. Gradually, Antonio has begun parenting positively as well, as well as the repair of their connection is nothing short of a miracle.

So how can you become a positive parent? Boundaries For Adult Children

This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is one of the most rewarding things I have actually ever done. I will not lie to you – it can be difficult to change your old parenting style. But bit by bit, you will make improvements. As well as a year or 2 from now, you won’t think how much you’ve altered, along with the closer partnership you have with your kids.

I suggest any individual who is serious about coming to be a much more positive mom or daddy to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Boundaries For Adult Children

You’ve most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media networks. Her products have been life-altering for greater than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, and there’s no much better parenting guidance you can truly use every day.

In her complimentary class, Amy shares just how to get kids of every age to behave WITHOUT nagging or yelling. She’ll assist you in starting parenting positive, as well as discover how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the free class by clicking the button below. Boundaries For Adult Children


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