When I first came to be a mom, I recognized that I wanted to do things in a different way than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best they could, but they really did not have access to the huge selection of positive parenting tools readily available today. Dealing With Borderline Daughter
There were a few books on our bookshelf about managing power struggles, exactly how to deal with the strong-willed child, and exactly how to get your kids to do what you say. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I distinctly recall thinking at the time, “My parents don’t understand me.”
I’m unsure just what they discovered in those books, yet I experienced a great deal of spanking, a lot of screaming, as well as a lot of just plain tempers raging.
It was a hard period of time. And also our relationship is still not the best today, although I’ve sincerely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I have actually come to realize that, while no one is perfect, it is our obligation to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wanted to stop the cycle when I became a mama.Dealing With Borderline Daughter
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my solution Dealing With Borderline Daughter
My very own experience with positive parenting started when my first daughter was born. I began reviewing blog posts about exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged through spanking, yelling, extreme punishments as well as pretty much every other commonly approved parenting strategy.
I started to assume, “Well, if you can not do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I know there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow every person to get their needs met. I found out about:
• Managing power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how every one of these ideas result in healthy child development Dealing With Borderline Daughter
Along the way, my other half Antonio joined my journey. However he brought a different point of view. He had two teen boys from a previous marriage, and also had seen firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” might seem to work temporarily. But in the long run, it was just breeding disrespect, contempt and also bitterness in what was expected to be a loving parent-child connection.
Considering his history and learning exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to studying and following through with positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting really mean anyway? Dealing With Borderline Daughter
Let me inform you what it does not imply. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Disregarding significant wrongdoing
• Offering your children every little thing they ask for Dealing With Borderline Daughter
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no restrictions
You might see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting method identifies the truth that collaboration consistently produces far better lasting results than harsh control.
Parents who adopt this design have learned to foster:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced limits
• Building a child’s foundational character traits
• Helping children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not since they are afraid of punishment if they don’t … Besides, what takes place once they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is removed?
• Acknowledgment that both children and parents need to be heard as well as valued
• Assisting kids to develop self-control
• Going much deeper than plain exterior conformity as well as concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially began down the road of gentle parenting, I could not envision that there were other ways to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also shouting. That’s exactly how I was treated as a child, and I obviously had no understanding about anything different. Dealing With Borderline Daughter
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and also founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually worked as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line training course.
Identify the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep. It’s typically widely accepted (as well as a lot more usual in today’s world) to assume children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.
We can get a lot farther toward resolving power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs similar to you as well as me. And also most times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. Dealing With Borderline Daughter
For example, a young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-discipline) is not yet matured. That implies they can go from joyful one moment to major meltdown the next. Rather than dealing with a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-control to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that indicates there is always a main emotion beneath it
• Most angry children are actually scared and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of basic needs that have to be addressed initially. As an example, if a child is starving or sleepy, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Focus on addressing that huge need first.
• Validate his feelings without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re really angry because I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s hard due to the fact that you really really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, so I will not allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to protect yourself if required.
• Focusing too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the scenario worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he CAN do to let off steam when he is furious – like surround himself in a big hug and also say loudly “I am angry!” Or ball his hands into fists and growl. The point is to permit him to share his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting helps any age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teenagers and everything in between. So let’s use teens in our next example … Dealing With Borderline Daughter
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we want to receive from our child, we have to be willing to give before anyone else. If I am impolite, controlling as well as sarcastic to my teenager simply due to the fact that I “have every right because I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you believe that reveals to my child?
It is a lot easier to provide respect to somebody when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mama or daddy, you can set the example and communicate to your young adult that you value their point of view, and you respect them as an individual. Dealing With Borderline Daughter
This does not suggest you have to be a pushover. It does mean you can be kind in the face of problems. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you expect to set the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.
In a comparable way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we want our teen to treat us with even more regard, the first step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. Dealing With Borderline Daughter
Are you gentle to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and to the customer support representative on the phone? In every one of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking about. Remember, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could answer this one with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I can share a personal story …
Just the other day, my two girls were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, and also she claimed she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, then came back and also returned the stolen sticker label, said sorry and also asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and begun playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or manipulate anybody to fix the conflict. And yet we experienced a beautiful resolution. You know why? Dealing With Borderline Daughter
Since we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, exactly how to deal with disputes, and also even exactly how to apologize. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat everyone around us with respect, and also model the actions we desire, you would certainly be astonished at what’s possible.
Some visitors may be wondering about my hubby, Antonio, and his two teen boys from a previous marriage. Over time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively as well, as well as the restoration of their connection is nothing except miraculous.
Just how can you become a positive parent? Dealing With Borderline Daughter
This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is among the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be challenging to change your old ways. However little by little, you will certainly make improvements. As well as a year or two from now, you will not believe just how much you’ve altered, in addition to the closer connection you have with your kids.
I recommend any person that is serious about becoming an extra positive mama or dad to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Dealing With Borderline Daughter
You’ve probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media channels. Her products have been life-changing for more than 75,000 parents around the world, and there’s no better parenting guidance you can genuinely use every day.
In her totally free class, Amy shares how to get kids of any age to behave WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll help you in beginning parenting positive, and also learn how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the totally free webinar by clicking the button shown below. Dealing With Borderline Daughter
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