Please note: This post contains affiliate links.
When I first came to be a mother, I knew that I intended to do things in a different way than how I was brought up. My mother and father did the very best they could, but they really did not have accessibility to the plethora of positive parenting tools readily available today. Difficult Transition
There were a couple of books on our shelf concerning dealing with power struggles, exactly how to discipline the strong-willed child, and also exactly how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I noticeably remember thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad do not understand me.”
I’m uncertain exactly what they discovered in those books, yet I experienced a lot of spanking, a lot of shouting, as well as a great deal of just plain blowing up.
It was a tough period of time. And our relationship is still strained today, although I have truly forgiven them for what happened. I have actually come to recognize that, while no person is without flaws, it is our duty to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I intended to break the cycle when I came to be a mom.Difficult Transition
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my approach Difficult Transition
My own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest child was born. I started reading blog posts regarding just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed with spanking, shouting, extreme punishments as well as virtually every other typically accepted parenting method.
I began to believe, “Well, if you can’t do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to pay attention to you?” Little did I realize there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow every person to get their needs fulfilled. I learned more about:
• Resolving power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how all of these principles bring about healthy child development Difficult Transition
In the process, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. Yet he brought his own unique viewpoint. He had two teen boys from a previous relationship, and also had experienced firsthand exactly how being the “mean dad” might seem to help for the moment. Long-term, it was only breeding disrespect, contempt and bitterness in what was expected to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Considering his background and also learning specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to studying as well as employing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyhow? Difficult Transition
Initially, let me inform you what it doesn’t mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Disregarding significant misbehavior
• Giving your children whatever they want Difficult Transition
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no limitations
You might see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting approach recognizes the truth that collaboration consistently generates far better long-term outcomes than harsh control.
Moms and dads who embrace this concept have actually learned to promote:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Establishing healthy and balanced limits
• Developing a child’s fundamental character and morals
• Assisting children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not because they fear punishment if they do not … Nevertheless, what occurs when they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Acknowledgment that both children and parents need to be heard as well as valued
• Assisting kids to develop self-discipline
• Going deeper than plain exterior conformity and concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started down the path of gentle parenting, I couldn’t envision that there were other ways to “get a child to behave” besides punishing as well as shouting. That’s how I was treated as a child, and therefore I obviously had no framework for anything different. Difficult Transition
I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert and founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System online program.
Find the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s usually simpler (and more common in today’s world) to think children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.
Yet we can get a great deal more toward resolving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They real needs just like you as well as me. As well as many times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. Difficult Transition
As an example, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-restraint) is not yet formed. That suggests they can go from cloud nine one moment to major meltdown the next. Instead of dealing with a losing fight by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that means there is typically a main emotion under it
• The majority of upset children are in fact scared and/or very sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of fundamental needs that need to be met first. As an example, if a child is hungry or tired, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Focus on addressing that huge need first.
• Validate his feelings without approving of the actions (“I can see that you’re really upset since I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s tough because you truly really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and I won’t let you do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if needed.
• Focusing more on what you DON’T desire the child to do just makes the scenario even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he MAY DO to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and say loudly “I’m mad!” Or ball his hands right into fists and growl. The point is to allow him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting works for all ages – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teenagers as well as everyone in between. So let’s use teens in our following example … Difficult Transition
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we intend to receive from our child, we should agree to provide first. If I am discourteous, manipulative and also sarcastic to my young adult just because I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or since “my kid started it,” what do you assume that teaches my child?
It is a lot easier to provide respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mommy or dad, you can set the standard and communicate to your teenager that you value their viewpoint, as well as you value them as a person. Difficult Transition
This does not suggest you need to be a pushover. It does imply you can be kind in the face of disputes. It will accomplish a lot more than you anticipate to set the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we say. So, if we want our young adult to treat us with more respect, the primary step is to ensure that you, as the parent, are doing just that to everybody in your life. Difficult Transition
Are you kind to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and also to the customer support rep on the phone? In each of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you have to be considering. Bear in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this question with a definite “Yes!” Or I can share an individual story …
Just a few days ago, my two daughters were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old just how she felt, as well as she said she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, after that came back as well as returned the stolen sticker, apologized and also requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and also begun playing once more gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or manipulate any person to resolve the dispute. And yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You know why? Difficult Transition
Because we have modeled for our children just how to problem solve, just how to deal with conflict, and also even exactly how to say sorry. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with everybody around us with respect, as well as model the behavior we desire, you would certainly be astonished at what’s possible.
Some readers might be curious about my husband, Antonio, as well as his 2 adolescent boys from a previous marriage. Gradually, Antonio has actually started parenting positively also, and also the restoration of their relationship is nothing short of miraculous.
Just how can you evolve to be a positive parent? Difficult Transition
This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I’ve ever before done. I will not lie to you – it can be difficult to alter your old way of life. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And a year or 2 from now, you won’t believe just how much you have actually transformed, in addition to the closer connection you have with your kids.
I advise anybody that is serious about becoming a much more positive mommy or daddy to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Difficult Transition
You’ve most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of variety of media channels. Her materials have been life-changing for greater than 75,000 parents across the globe, and there’s no much better parenting guidance you can genuinely use every day.
In her totally free class, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of every age to listen WITHOUT manipulating or shouting. She’ll aid you in beginning parenting positive, as well as find out how to stop the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the cost-free class by clicking the button shown below. Difficult Transition
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.