When I first became a mommy, I recognized that I wished to do things differently than how I was raised. My mom and dad did the very best they could, however they didn’t have accessibility to the plethora of positive parenting tools available today. Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
There were a few books on our bookshelf concerning dealing with power struggles, how to discipline the stubborn child, and also just how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I clearly recall thinking at the time, “My parents do not understand me.”
I’m uncertain exactly what they learned in those books, yet I grew up with a lot of spanking, a great deal of shouting, as well as a great deal of just plain blowing up.
It was a difficult number of years. And our relationship is still strained today, although I have truly forgiven them for what happened. I’ve begun to understand that, while nobody is without flaws, it is our duty to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I intended to stop the cycle when I became a mom.Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my plan Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
My own experience with positive parenting began when my first daughter was born. I started reading material regarding how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, yelling, harsh punishments and also virtually every other traditionally approved parenting method.
I began to assume, “Well, if you can’t do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I know there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that enable everybody to have their needs fulfilled. I learned about:
• Solving power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how all of these concepts lead to healthy child development Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
Along the way, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. Yet he brought his own unique point of view. He had two teenage boys from a previous relationship, and had actually seen firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” might seem to help temporarily. However long-term, it was only promoting disrespect, anger as well as bitterness in what was intended to be a caring parent-child partnership.
Given his history and also learning exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to studying as well as following through with positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting mean anyhow? Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
Initially, let me inform you what it does not suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids run wild
• Being a passive parent
• Ignoring significant misbehavior
• Providing your children whatever they want Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no limits
You might see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting technique recognizes the reality that collaboration consistently produces better long-lasting outcomes than strict control.
Moms and dads who embrace this concept have actually learned to cultivate:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced boundaries
• Building a child’s fundamental character qualities
• Assisting children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not since they fear punishment if they do not … Nevertheless, what occurs as soon as they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is over?
• Acknowledgment that both children and parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Assisting kids to establish self-restraint
• Going deeper than plain outward compliance as well as focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first started down the path of gentle parenting, I could not believe that there were various other means to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and also shouting. That’s just how I was parented, and I just had no understanding about anything different. Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert as well as founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has acted as parenting guide to countless moms and dads, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.
Identify the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s usually much easier (and a lot more usual in today’s society) to presume children are simply spoiled brats, which is why they act out.
We can get a great deal farther toward solving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They have needs much like you and also me. As well as many times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
As an example, a toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-restraint) is not yet formed. That implies they can go from cloud nine one minute to complete tantrum the next. Rather than combating a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-discipline to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that indicates there is typically a primary feeling under it
• Most angry children are in fact scared and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of basic needs that should be addressed first. For instance, if a child is starving or exhausted, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to assist. Focus on meeting that large need initially.
• Empathize with his emotions without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re really angry due to the fact that I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s difficult because you genuinely really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and also I won’t let you do it”) … Then, move away to safeguard yourself if needed.
• Focusing way too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the scenario worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he is OK to do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and say loudly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The goal is to enable him to share his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting benefits every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teenagers as well as everything in between. So let’s use teenagers in our following scenario … Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we wish to get from our child, we have to be willing to provide before anyone else. If I am disrespectful, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my young adult simply due to the fact that I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my kid started it,” what do you believe that teaches my child?
It is much easier to give respect to someone when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or father, you can set the standard and also communicate to your young adult that you value their opinion, and also you value them as an individual. Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
This doesn’t mean you need to be a pushover. It does mean you can be kind in the face of disputes. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you expect to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we desire our teen to treat us with more respect, the initial step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing just that to everybody in your life. Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
Are you kind to your spouse, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and also to the customer service representative on the phone? In every one of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be considering. Keep in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this with a resounding “Yes!” Or I can share an individual recollection …
Just the other day, my two young girls were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she really felt, and also she stated she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, after that came back as well as returned the swiped sticker, apologized and requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and also begun playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or intimidate anyone to resolve the conflict. And also yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You know why? Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
Since we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, exactly how to solve conflict, and also even how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, treat every person around us with respect, and also model the actions we want, you would certainly be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some visitors could be wondering about my husband, Antonio, as well as his 2 adolescent boys from a previous relationship. Over time, Antonio has begun parenting positively also, and also the repair of their connection is nothing except miraculous.
Just how can you come to be a positive parent? Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I’ve ever before done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be difficult to alter your old ways. But bit by bit, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or two from now, you will not believe how much you have actually transformed, together with the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I suggest any individual who is serious about becoming a more positive mom or dad to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
You’ve probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media channels. Her materials have been life-altering for more than 75,000 parents around the world, as well as there’s no much better parenting guidance you can absolutely use every day.
In her totally free webinar, Amy shares how to help kids of all ages to listen WITHOUT nagging or screaming. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, and learn how to stop the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the complimentary webinar by clicking the button below. Emotional Intelligence And Counseling
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