Extrinsic Behavior – Just How I Used Positive Parenting to Ultimately Get My Kids to Behave

Extrinsic Behavior
HAZEL DEAN
Wife to Antonio, and mommy of two girls

When I initially became a mother, I recognized that I intended to do things differently than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best job they could, but they really did not have accessibility to the huge selection of positive parenting tools offered today. Extrinsic Behavior

There were a few books on our bookshelf concerning dealing with power struggles, how to deal with the strong-willed child, as well as exactly how to get your kids to comply. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I definitely recall thinking at the time, “My own parents don’t understand me.”

I’m not sure exactly what they learned in those books, but I grew up with a lot of spanking, a great deal of screaming, and a great deal of just plain tempers raging.

It was a tough number of years. And also our relationship is still strained today, although I have truly forgiven them for what happened. I have actually begun to understand that, while nobody is without fault, it is our obligation to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wished to break the cycle when I came to be a mother.Extrinsic Behavior

From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my strategy Extrinsic Behavior

My own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest little girl was born. I began reviewing material concerning exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, shouting, extreme punishments and also basically every other typically accepted parenting strategy.

I started to think, “Well, if you can’t do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I realize there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow everybody to have their needs satisfied. I found out about:

• Problem-solving

• Solving power struggles

• Solid communication skills

• Natural consequences

• How every one of these principles cause healthy and balanced child development Extrinsic Behavior

Extrinsic Behavior

Along the way, my other half Antonio joined my journey. Yet he brought his own unique viewpoint. He had 2 teenage boys from a previous relationship, and had witnessed firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” may appear to work for the moment. In the long run, it was just breeding disrespect, anger and bitterness in what was supposed to be a caring parent-child connection.

Given his background and also learning precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to examining and implementing positive parenting in our lives.

So what does positive parenting really mean anyhow? Extrinsic Behavior

Let me tell you what it doesn’t indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:

• Letting your kids do whatever they want

• Being a passive parent

• Overlooking significant misbehavior

• Giving your children everything they want Extrinsic Behavior

• Being a servant on-call 24/7

• Safeguarding your kids from what will be required of them in “real life”

• Having no boundaries

You might hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting technique acknowledges the truth that cooperation always generates far better lasting results than forced control.

Parents who embrace this design have actually learned to foster:

• Common respect

• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)

• Setting healthy limits

• Building a child’s fundamental character traits

Helping children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not since they fear punishment if they don’t … Besides, what occurs when they’re adults and the threat of punishment is eliminated?

• Recommendation that both children and also parents need to be listened to and also valued

• Assisting kids to develop self-control

• Going deeper than mere exterior compliance and also focusing on the child’s heart

The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.

What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?

When I initially started down the path of gentle parenting, I could not envision that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing as well as screaming. That’s exactly how I was treated as a child, and therefore I just had no framework for anything different. Extrinsic Behavior

I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert as well as founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them get rid of the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online program.

Right here are a couple of the techniques Amy teaches to help you to come to be the mother or dad you’ve always intended to be, and help your child to reach his or her highest potential.

Identify the root of the misbehavior

I mentioned this is deep. It’s commonly easier (as well as much more common in today’s society) to think children are just spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.

We can progress a great deal further toward resolving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They real needs just like you and also me. As well as frequently their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re currently at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. Extrinsic Behavior

A toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-control) is not yet developed. That means they can go from joyful one moment to major meltdown the next. Rather than fighting a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:

• Young children have little self-restraint to begin with

• Anger is a secondary feeling – that implies there is always a key emotion beneath it

• A lot of angry children are really frightened and/or sad

So what’s a peaceful parent to do?

• Determine if there are any kind of basic needs that must be addressed first. For example, if a child is hungry or exhausted, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to remedy the problem. Focus on addressing that big need initially.

• Empathize with his emotions without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re truly upset due to the fact that I said we couldn’t play at the park today. I know it’s difficult due to the fact that you genuinely really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and also I will not let you do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if needed.

• Focusing way too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the situation worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a large hug and say loudly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands into fists and growl. The goal is to permit him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.

Bear In Mind the Golden Rule

I informed you previously that positive parenting helps any age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teenagers and also everything in between. So let’s talk about teenagers in our next scenario … Extrinsic Behavior

Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we want to get from our child, we must be ready to offer. If I am discourteous, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my teenager simply because I “have every right given that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my child started it,” what do you assume that teaches my child?

It is a lot easier to give respect to someone when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mom or dad, you can set the standard and communicate to your young adult that you value their viewpoint, and also you respect them as a person. Extrinsic Behavior

This doesn’t indicate you need to be a pushover. But it does mean you can be kind despite conflict. It will accomplish more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.

In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. So, if we desire our teenager to treat us with more regard, the very first step is to make sure that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everybody in your life. Extrinsic Behavior

Are you gentle to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer support rep on the phone? In every one of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be considering. Bear in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.

Is positive parenting really effective?

I could answer this one with a definite “Yes!” Or I can share an individual recollection …

Just the other day, my 2 daughters were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, and she stated she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.

My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, then returned as well as returned the swiped sticker, apologized and also requested forgiveness.

They made up, hugged and started playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or intimidate anybody to settle the problem. As well as yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You recognize why? Extrinsic Behavior

Due to the fact that we have actually modeled for our children just how to problem solve, exactly how to fix disputes, as well as even how to apologize. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will inevitably repeat your actions.

The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with every person around us with respect, and model the actions we desire, you would certainly be amazed at what’s feasible.

Some visitors might be wondering about my husband, Antonio, as well as his 2 adolescent sons from a previous relationship. With time, Antonio has started parenting positively too, as well as the restoration of their relationship is nothing short of miraculous.

So just how can you come to be a positive parent? Extrinsic Behavior

This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is among the most fulfilling things I have actually ever before done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be tough to alter your old ways. Yet gradually, you will certainly make improvements. And a year or two from now, you won’t believe just how much you’ve changed, along with the closer partnership you have with your kids.

I recommend anybody who is serious about growing to be an extra positive mom or dad to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Extrinsic Behavior

You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any variety of media channels. Her materials have actually been life-changing for more than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, and there’s no much better parenting guidance you can truly use every day.

In her totally free webinar, Amy shares just how to get kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT manipulating or shouting. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, as well as learn how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the cost-free class by clicking the button below. Extrinsic Behavior


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