Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic – Just How I Applied Positive Parenting to Once And For All Get My Kids to Cooperate

Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic
HAZEL DEAN
Wife to Antonio, and mommy of two girls

When I initially came to be a mama, I understood that I wanted to do things in a different way than how I was parented. My mother and father did the very best they could, however they really did not have access to the myriad of positive parenting tools offered today. Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

There were a couple of books on our bookshelf concerning handling power struggles, how to discipline the stubborn child, as well as how to get your kids to do what you say. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I distinctly remember thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”

I’m not exactly sure exactly what they discovered in those books, but I experienced a lot of spanking, a lot of shouting, and a great deal of just plain blowing up.

It was a tough period of time. And also our connection is still not the best today, although I have genuinely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I’ve begun to realize that, while no one is perfect, it is our obligation to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wished to break the cycle when I became a mama.Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my plan Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

My own experience with positive parenting began when my first daughter was born. I began reviewing articles about just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, yelling, harsh punishments and also basically every other typically approved parenting strategy.

I started to think, “Well, if you can’t do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I understand there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to have their needs satisfied. I found out about:

• Problem-solving

• Resolving power struggles

• Strong communication skills

• Natural consequences

• How every one of these concepts cause healthy and balanced child development Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

Along the way, my husband Antonio joined my journey. He brought a different perspective. He had two teenage boys from a previous relationship, and also had seen firsthand exactly how being the “mean dad” may seem to work temporarily. Long-term, it was just breeding disrespect, contempt and resentment in what was intended to be a loving parent-child partnership.

Given his history and also finding out precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to examining and also employing positive parenting in our lives.

So what does positive parenting really mean anyhow? Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

Let me inform you what it doesn’t mean. Positive parenting is NOT:

• Allowing your kids to run wild

• Being a passive parent

• Overlooking major wrongdoing

• Providing your children everything they ask for Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

• Being a servant on-call 24/7

• Safeguarding your kids from what will be expected of them in “real life”

• Having no boundaries

You might see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting method recognizes the fact that collaboration always generates better long-term outcomes than forced control.

Moms and dads that embrace this design have learned to foster:

• Common respect

• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)

• Establishing healthy and balanced limits

• Building a child’s foundational character traits

Helping children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not due to the fact that they fear punishment if they do not … Besides, what happens as soon as they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is removed?

• Acknowledgment that both children as well as parents need to be heard as well as valued

• Helping kids to establish self-control

• Going much deeper than mere outside conformity as well as concentrating on the child’s heart

The funny thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.

What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?

When I initially began down the road of gentle parenting, I couldn’t imagine that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and shouting. That’s how I was raised, and therefore I obviously had no framework for anything different. Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually worked as parenting guide to countless mothers and fathers, helping them get rid of the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line program.

Below are a couple of the strategies Amy reveals to encourage you to come to be the mother or father you have actually always wished to be, and help your child to reach his/her highest potential.

Get to the root of the behavior

I told you this is deep stuff. It’s typically much easier (as well as more common in today’s world) to presume children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.

We can progress a lot further toward resolving power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs much like you and also me. And also many times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re currently at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

A 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-discipline) is not yet matured. That implies they can go from joyful one moment to complete meltdown the next. Instead of dealing with a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:

• Young children have little self-control to start with

• Anger is a secondary feeling – that means there is typically a primary emotion under it

• A lot of angry children are in fact scared and/or sad

What’s a peaceful parent to do?

• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that should be addressed first. For instance, if a child is hungry or exhausted, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to assist. Focus on meeting that large need first.

• Acknowledge his feelings without approving of the actions (“I can see that you’re really angry since I said we couldn’t play at the park today. I know it’s hard since you really wish to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and I won’t let you do it”) … After that, move away to safeguard yourself if necessary.

• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he MAY DO to let off steam when he is furious – like surround himself in a big hug and say “I’m mad!” Or ball his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The objective is to permit him to express his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.

Bear In Mind the Golden Rule

I informed you previously that positive parenting benefits every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and everyone in between. So let’s talk about teenagers in our following example … Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we intend to receive from our child, we must agree to give first. If I am discourteous, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my teen simply due to the fact that I “have every right since I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my kid started it,” what do you think that reveals to my child?

It is much easier to provide respect to someone when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mom or father, you can set the standard and show your teenager that you value their opinion, and you respect them as an individual. Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

This does not imply you need to be a pushover. Yet it does imply you can be kind despite problems. It will accomplish a lot more than you anticipate to set the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.

In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we want our young adult to treat us with more respect, the first step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everyone in your life. Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

Are you gentle to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and to the customer service associate on the phone? In every one of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you have to be thinking of. Remember, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.

Is positive parenting really effective?

I can address this question with a definite “Yes!” Or I can share an individual story …

Just recently, my 2 girls were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, and also she said she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.

My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, after that came back and returned the swiped sticker label, said sorry and also requested forgiveness.

They made up, hugged as well as begun playing once again gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or threaten anyone to resolve the problem. And yet we experienced a stunning resolution. You recognize why? Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

Because we have actually modeled for our children just how to problem solve, exactly how to resolve conflict, and even exactly how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will certainly repeat your actions.

The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with everybody around us with respect, and model the habits we want, you would certainly be amazed at what’s feasible.

Some readers may be wondering about my husband, Antonio, as well as his 2 adolescent boys from a previous marriage. Gradually, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively too, and also the repair of their relationship is nothing except miraculous.

Exactly how can you evolve to be a positive parent? Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I will not lie to you – it can be challenging to alter your old parenting style. Little by little, you will make improvements. And also a year or 2 from now, you won’t believe just how much you have actually altered, in addition to the closer partnership you have with your kids.

I suggest anyone that is serious about becoming a more positive mama or father to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic

You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media channels. Her products have actually been life-changing for more than 75,000 parents across the globe, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can truly apply every day.

In her free class, Amy shares how to help kids of any age to listen WITHOUT nagging or yelling. She’ll assist you in starting parenting positive, and also find out how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the cost-free class by clicking the button shown below. Extrinsic Versus Intrinsic


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