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When I initially came to be a mama, I understood that I wanted to do things differently than how I was parented. My mom and dad did the best they could, but they really did not have accessibility to the wide variety of positive parenting tools readily available today. How Common Is Selective Mutism
There were a few books on our shelf about handling power struggles, exactly how to discipline the strong-willed child, and also just how to get your kids to comply. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I distinctly remember thinking at the time, “My mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m not sure exactly what they found out in those books, but I grew up with a lot of spanking, a lot of screaming, and a great deal of just plain tempers raging.
It was a challenging period of time. And also our connection is still not the best today, although I have sincerely forgiven them for what happened. I’ve begun to recognize that, while nobody is without fault, it is our obligation to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wanted to stop the cycle when I came to be a mom.How Common Is Selective Mutism
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my approach How Common Is Selective Mutism
My own experience with positive parenting started when my first daughter was born. I began reading material regarding exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, shouting, extreme punishments and also practically every other generally approved parenting strategy.
I began to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I understand there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that enable every person to have their needs satisfied. I learned more about:
• Managing power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how every one of these ideas bring about healthy child development How Common Is Selective Mutism
Along the way, my husband Antonio joined my journey. He brought a different viewpoint. He had 2 teenage boys from a previous relationship, and had actually observed firsthand just how being the “mean dad” might appear to benefit for the moment. However long-term, it was only breeding disrespect, contempt and bitterness in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Given his history and also finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to researching as well as employing positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyhow? How Common Is Selective Mutism
First, let me inform you what it does not indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a lazy parent
• Ignoring significant wrongdoing
• Offering your children whatever they ask for How Common Is Selective Mutism
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will be expected of them in “real life”
• Having no boundaries
You might see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting approach acknowledges the reality that collaboration consistently yields much better long-term outcomes than strict control.
Moms and dads that adopt this concept have learned to cultivate:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Building a child’s fundamental character qualities
• Helping children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not since they are afraid of retribution if they don’t … After all, what takes place as soon as they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is removed?
• Recommendation that both children and parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Encouraging kids to develop self-control
• Going deeper than mere external compliance and focusing on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started on the journey of gentle parenting, I couldn’t envision that there were various other methods to “get a child to behave” besides punishing as well as screaming. That’s how I was parented, and therefore I just had no understanding about anything different. How Common Is Selective Mutism
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually acted as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online program.
Discover the root of the misbehavior
I told you this is deep stuff. It’s often easier (and also extra usual in today’s society) to presume children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.
However we can get a lot further towards fixing power struggles when we see children as little people. They have needs just like you and also me. And most times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain as well as language development growth spectrum. How Common Is Selective Mutism
A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that makes it possible for self-control) is not yet developed. That implies they can go from cloud nine one minute to complete tantrum the next. So instead of combating a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that indicates there is typically a main emotion underneath it
• Most angry children are in fact anxious and/or very sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that need to be addressed initially. For instance, if a child is starving or sleepy, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to assist. Focus on addressing that huge need first.
• Validate his emotions without accepting the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely angry because I said we couldn’t play at the park today. I know it’s hard due to the fact that you truly really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and I will not let you do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if needed.
• Concentrating way too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do just makes the situation even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he CAN do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and say firmly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The point is to permit him to express his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting benefits any age – from young children to ‘tweens, teenagers and also everyone in between. So let’s talk about teens in our next example … How Common Is Selective Mutism
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That indicates what we desire to get from our child, we need to be willing to provide. If I am impolite, controlling and also sarcastic to my young adult just because I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you assume that teaches my child?
It is a lot easier to offer respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mom or father, you can set the example as well as show your young adult that you value their point of view, as well as you value them as a person. How Common Is Selective Mutism
This does not suggest you need to be a pushover. It does imply you can be kind in the face of conflict. It will accomplish more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.
In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we want our teenager to treat us with even more regard, the primary step is to see to it that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. How Common Is Selective Mutism
Are you gentle to your spouse, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, as well as to the customer support rep on the phone? In every one of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be considering. Keep in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can answer this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I can share a personal story …
Just recently, my 2 girls were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old how she really felt, and also she stated she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, after that returned and also returned the swiped sticker, said sorry and asked for forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and also begun playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or manipulate anyone to solve the dispute. And yet we experienced a lovely resolution. You recognize why? How Common Is Selective Mutism
Due to the fact that we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, how to fix disputes, and even how to apologize. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with every person around us with respect, and also model the behavior we desire, you would be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some readers could be wondering about my partner, Antonio, and also his 2 teenage boys from a previous marriage. In time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively too, and also the repair of their connection is nothing short of a miracle.
How can you evolve to be a positive parent? How Common Is Selective Mutism
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I’ve ever before done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be tough to alter your old way of life. Little by little, you will make improvements. As well as a year or two from now, you won’t think how much you have actually changed, in addition to the closer relationship you have with your kids.
I recommend anyone who is serious about becoming a much more positive mommy or father to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. How Common Is Selective Mutism
You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media channels. Her products have actually been life-changing for greater than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, as well as there’s no much better parenting guidance you can really use every day.
In her free class, Amy shares just how to help kids of every age to behave WITHOUT manipulating or shouting. She’ll help you in beginning parenting positive, and discover how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the free class by clicking the button shown below. How Common Is Selective Mutism
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