How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment – How I Used Positive Parenting to At Long Last Get My Kids to Listen

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment
HAZEL DEAN
Wife to Antonio, and mommy of two girls

When I first became a mama, I knew that I wanted to do things differently than how I was raised. My mother and father did the best they could, but they didn’t have access to the variety of positive parenting tools readily available today. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

There were a couple of books on our bookshelf about handling power struggles, how to control the strong-willed child, and just how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I noticeably remember thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad do not understand me.”

I’m not sure just what they found out in those books, yet I experienced a lot of spanking, a lot of yelling, as well as a lot of just plain losing control.

It was a tough number of years. And our connection is still not the best today, although I have sincerely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I’ve begun to realize that, while no person is without fault, it is our responsibility to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I intended to stop the cycle when I came to be a mom.How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my answer How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

My own experience with positive parenting began when my first little girl was born. I began reviewing blogs regarding exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, shouting, harsh punishments as well as pretty much every other generally accepted parenting strategy.

I began to assume, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I know there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to get their needs satisfied. I found out about:

• Problem-solving

• Resolving power struggles

• Solid communication skills

• Natural consequences

• Just how all of these ideas result in healthy and balanced child development How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

During my learning experience, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought a different perspective. He had two teen boys from a previous relationship, and also had experienced firsthand how being the “mean dad” could seem to work temporarily. Long-term, it was only fostering disrespect, contempt as well as bitterness in what was meant to be a loving parent-child relationship.

Given his history and discovering specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to researching as well as following through with positive parenting in our lives.

So what does positive parenting mean anyhow? How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

Let me tell you what it doesn’t mean. Positive parenting is NOT:

• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want

• Being a lazy parent

• Overlooking major misbehavior

• Offering your children whatever they ask for How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

• Being a servant on-call 24/7

• Safeguarding your kids from what will be expected of them in “real life”

• Having no boundaries

You might see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting technique recognizes the fact that cooperation always produces far better long-term results than forced control.

Moms and dads that adopt this design have figured out how to cultivate:

• Mutual respect

• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)

• Setting healthy boundaries

• Developing a child’s fundamental character qualities

Assisting children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not since they fear retribution if they do not … Besides, what happens as soon as they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is removed?

• Recommendation that both children and parents need to be heard as well as valued

• Encouraging kids to grow their self-control

• Going deeper than plain external compliance and concentrating on the child’s heart

The funny thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.

What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?

When I first started down the path of gentle parenting, I could not believe that there were other ways to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments as well as screaming. That’s exactly how I was parented, and therefore I just had no understanding about anything different. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert as well as owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually functioned as parenting guide to thousands of mothers and fathers, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line program.

Here are a number of the techniques Amy teaches to encourage you to become the mama or daddy you have actually always wanted to be, as well as encourage your child to reach his or her complete potential.

Find the root of the acting out

I mentioned this is deep. It’s usually much easier (and also a lot more usual in today’s world) to assume children are just spoiled brats, which is why they act out.

We can get a great deal further toward resolving power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs similar to you as well as me. As well as most times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re at on the brain as well as language development spectrum. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that allows self-control) is not yet formed. That suggests they can go from delighted one moment to major meltdown the next. So rather than combating a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:

• Toddlers have little self-discipline to begin with

• Anger is a secondary feeling – that indicates there is always a main feeling underneath it

• A lot of angry children are actually frightened and/or sad

What’s a peaceful parent to do?

• Determine if there are any type of basic needs that must be addressed initially. As an example, if a child is starving or sleepy, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Focus on meeting that huge need first.

• Empathize with his emotions without approving of the actions (“I can see that you’re really mad since I said we couldn’t go to the park today. I understand it’s difficult since you truly really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and I won’t let you do it”) … After that, move away to protect yourself if required.

• Focusing too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and say firmly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands into clenched fists and growl. The point is to allow him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.

Bear In Mind the Golden Rule

I informed you earlier that positive parenting helps every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teenagers and also everything in between. So let’s think about teens in our next example … How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we intend to obtain from our child, we should agree to provide before anyone else. If I am impolite, controlling and also sarcastic to my young adult merely because I “have every right given that I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you believe that reveals to my child?

It is much easier to give respect to someone when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mom or father, you can set the example as well as communicate to your teenager that you value their viewpoint, as well as you value them as a person. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

This doesn’t suggest you have to be a pushover. It does mean you can be kind in the face of disputes. It will accomplish more than you anticipate to set the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.

In a similar way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we desire our teen to treat us with even more regard, the first step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everyone in your life. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

Are you gentle to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer care representative on the phone? In each of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you have to be thinking about. Remember, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.

Is positive parenting really effective?

I could answer this question with a definite “Yes!” Or I can share an individual story …

Just the other day, my 2 girls were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, as well as she claimed she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.

My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, then came back and also returned the stolen sticker label, apologized and requested forgiveness.

They made up, embraced and also started playing again gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or intimidate anyone to solve the problem. And also yet we experienced a beautiful resolution. You recognize why? How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

Since we have modeled for our children how to problem solve, how to solve conflict, and even how to apologize. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will inevitably repeat your actions.

The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with everyone around us with respect, as well as model the behavior we want, you would certainly be astonished at what’s feasible.

Some readers may be curious about my husband, Antonio, and his two teen boys from a previous marriage. In time, Antonio has actually started parenting positively also, as well as the repair of their connection is nothing short of a miracle.

Just how can you evolve to be a positive parent? How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is among the most satisfying things I have actually ever done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be hard to alter your old way of life. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or more from now, you won’t think just how much you’ve altered, together with the closer relationship you have with your kids.

I advise anyone that is serious about becoming a more positive mother or daddy to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment

You’ve most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any variety of media channels. Her materials have been life-altering for greater than 75,000 moms and dads across the globe, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can absolutely apply every day.

In her free webinar, Amy shares how to help kids of all ages to listen WITHOUT nagging or yelling. She’ll help you in beginning parenting positive, and discover how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the complimentary webinar by clicking the button shown below. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen Alternatives To Punishment


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