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When I initially became a mama, I recognized that I wanted to do things in different ways than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best job they could, but they really did not have accessibility to the huge selection of positive parenting tools available today. Dr. Gail Saltz
There were a couple of books on our shelf regarding managing power struggles, just how to deal with the stubborn child, and exactly how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I definitely remember thinking at the time, “My mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m uncertain what exactly they learned in those books, but I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a great deal of shouting, as well as a great deal of just plain blowing up.
It was a difficult number of years. And also our connection is still strained today, although I’ve sincerely forgiven them for what happened. I’ve begun to realize that, while nobody is without flaws, it is our duty to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wanted to stop the cycle when I became a mommy.Dr. Gail Saltz
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my plan Dr. Gail Saltz
My very own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest daughter was born. I began checking out material about just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed through spanking, shouting, extreme punishments as well as basically every other typically accepted parenting technique.
I started to assume, “Well, if you can not do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I understand there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow every person to have their needs fulfilled. I learned about:
• Resolving power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how every one of these concepts cause healthy and balanced child development Dr. Gail Saltz
During my learning experience, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. Yet he brought a different perspective. He had 2 teen boys from a previous marriage, and had experienced firsthand how being the “mean dad” could seem to benefit for the moment. But in the long run, it was only promoting disrespect, contempt as well as resentment in what was meant to be a loving parent-child partnership.
Given his history and learning specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to examining and following through with positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting mean anyhow? Dr. Gail Saltz
Let me inform you what it doesn’t indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a lazy parent
• Disregarding significant misbehavior
• Providing your children everything they ask for Dr. Gail Saltz
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no boundaries
You may hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting method identifies the fact that collaboration always yields much better long-term outcomes than strict control.
Moms and dads that embrace this concept have actually learned to cultivate:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced limits
• Building a child’s fundamental character and morals
• Encouraging children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not due to the fact that they fear punishment if they do not … After all, what happens once they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Recommendation that both children and also parents need to be heard and also valued
• Helping kids to establish self-control
• Going deeper than simple exterior conformity as well as focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first began on the journey of gentle parenting, I could not imagine that there were various other methods to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and shouting. That’s exactly how I was raised, and I simply had no framework for anything different. Dr. Gail Saltz
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert and owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually functioned as parenting guide to thousands of moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line training course.
Identify the root of the misbehavior
I told you this is deep. It’s often simpler (and more typical in today’s world) to assume children are just spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
Yet we can get a whole lot farther toward fixing power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs just like you and me. And also many times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and language development growth spectrum. Dr. Gail Saltz
For instance, a young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-discipline) is not yet developed. That implies they can go from joyful one minute to major meltdown the next. Instead of combating a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Young children have little self-control to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that indicates there is always a key feeling under it
• Many upset children are really frightened and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that need to be met initially. For example, if a child is starving or worn out, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to assist. Concentrate on meeting that huge need initially.
• Validate his emotions without accepting the actions (“I can see that you’re sincerely angry since I said we could not play at the park today. I know it’s hard because you really wish to play on the swings. But, hitting hurts, and also I won’t let you do it”) … After that, move away to protect yourself if necessary.
• Concentrating way too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do just makes the scenario worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a big hug and say “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands right into fists and growl. The objective is to allow him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting works for every age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teenagers and also everyone in between. So let’s use teens in our following scenario … Dr. Gail Saltz
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we want to obtain from our child, we should be ready to give. If I am rude, manipulative and also sarcastic to my teenager merely since I “have every right given that I am the parent” or since “my kid started it,” what do you believe that teaches my child?
It is much easier to give respect to a person when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mama or father, you can set the standard and also show your teen that you value their viewpoint, and also you value them as a person. Dr. Gail Saltz
This doesn’t imply you have to be a pushover. It does mean you can be kind in the face of problems. It will accomplish more than you realize to establish the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.
In a comparable way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we say. So, if we want our teenager to treat us with more regard, the initial step is to make sure that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everybody in your life. Dr. Gail Saltz
Are you gentle to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer support representative on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking about. Remember, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can answer this one with a definite “Yes!” Or I could share a personal story …
Just recently, my two daughters were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, and she said she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, after that came back as well as returned the swiped sticker, apologized and requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and begun playing again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or threaten anybody to settle the dispute. And yet we experienced a stunning resolution. You recognize why? Dr. Gail Saltz
Because we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, how to settle conflict, and also even just how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with every person around us with respect, as well as model the actions we desire, you would certainly be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some visitors may be wondering about my other half, Antonio, as well as his two adolescent sons from a previous marriage. In time, Antonio has begun parenting positively as well, as well as the repair of their relationship is nothing short of a miracle.
So how can you come to be a positive parent? Dr. Gail Saltz
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is among the most satisfying things I have actually ever done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be hard to alter your old ways. Yet gradually, you will make improvements. As well as a year or 2 from now, you won’t think just how much you have actually altered, together with the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I suggest any individual who is serious about coming to be an extra positive mommy or father to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Dr. Gail Saltz
You’ve most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of number of media channels. Her products have actually been life-altering for more than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, as well as there’s no much better parenting guidance you can absolutely use every day.
In her free webinar, Amy shares how to get kids of every age to behave WITHOUT manipulating or shouting. She’ll help you in beginning parenting positive, and also learn how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the cost-free class by clicking the button shown below. Dr. Gail Saltz
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