Selective Mutism In Teenagers – Exactly How I Used Positive Parenting to Finally Get My Kids to Listen

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Selective Mutism In Teenagers
HAZEL DEAN
Wife to Antonio, and mommy of two girls

When I first came to be a mama, I knew that I wanted to do things in different ways than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best job they could, yet they didn’t have access to the variety of positive parenting tools offered today. Selective Mutism In Teenagers

There were a few books on our shelf concerning taking care of power struggles, exactly how to deal with the stubborn child, as well as just how to get your kids to comply. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I definitely remember thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad don’t understand me.”

I’m unsure just what they found out in those books, yet I grew up with a lot of spanking, a lot of screaming, as well as a great deal of just plain losing control.

It was a challenging number of years. And our relationship is still strained today, although I’ve sincerely forgiven them for their mistakes. I’ve begun to recognize that, while no one is without flaws, it is our obligation to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wanted to stop the cycle when I became a mom.Selective Mutism In Teenagers

From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my plan Selective Mutism In Teenagers

My very own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest child was born. I began checking out articles regarding exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed through spanking, shouting, severe punishments and practically every other commonly accepted parenting strategy.

I started to think, “Well, if you can’t do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I realize there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to get their needs fulfilled. I found out about:

• Problem-solving

• Resolving power struggles

• Solid communication skills

• Natural consequences

• Just how all of these concepts lead to healthy child development Selective Mutism In Teenagers

Selective Mutism In Teenagers

Along the way, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique viewpoint. He had 2 teenage boys from a previous relationship, and also had actually seen firsthand just how being the “mean father” may appear to help temporarily. Long-term, it was just breeding disrespect, contempt as well as bitterness in what was expected to be a loving parent-child partnership.

Considering his history and also learning specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to studying and implementing positive parenting in our lives.

What does positive parenting mean anyway? Selective Mutism In Teenagers

Let me tell you what it does not imply. Positive parenting is NOT:

• Allowing your kids to run wild

• Being a lazy parent

• Overlooking significant wrongdoing

• Giving your children every little thing they want Selective Mutism In Teenagers

• Being a servant on-call 24/7

• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”

• Having no boundaries

You may see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting approach recognizes the reality that collaboration consistently yields far better long-lasting results than harsh control.

Moms and dads who adopt this design have actually figured out how to cultivate:

• Shared respect

• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)

• Establishing healthy and balanced boundaries

• Developing a child’s foundational character and morals

Helping children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not due to the fact that they are afraid of punishment if they do not … Besides, what occurs as soon as they’re grownups and the threat of punishment is removed?

• Acknowledgment that both children as well as parents need to be heard and valued

• Assisting kids to develop self-control

• Going deeper than mere external compliance as well as concentrating on the child’s heart

The funny thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.

What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?

When I first began down the road of gentle parenting, I could not believe that there were various other means to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and shouting. That’s how I was parented, and I just had no understanding about anything different. Selective Mutism In Teenagers

I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually worked as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them get rid of the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line program.

Below are a number of the techniques Amy teaches to help you to evolve into the mom or daddy you’ve always wished to be, and encourage your child to reach his/her highest potential.

Find the root of the behavior

I told you this is deep stuff. It’s frequently widely accepted (as well as extra typical in today’s society) to presume children are just spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.

But we can get a great deal farther toward solving power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs much like you and me. And also most times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. Selective Mutism In Teenagers

For instance, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-restraint) is not yet formed. That suggests they can go from joyful one moment to complete tantrum the next. So as opposed to combating a losing fight by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:

• Young children have little self-control to start with

• Anger is a secondary emotion – that indicates there is typically a primary feeling underneath it

• Most mad children are actually anxious and/or very sad

What’s a peaceful parent to do?

• Determine if there are any kind of fundamental needs that must be addressed initially. As an example, if a child is starving or worn out, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Concentrate on meeting that huge need initially.

• Acknowledge his feelings without accepting the behavior (“I can see that you’re really upset because I said we couldn’t go to the park today. I understand it’s difficult because you really want to play on the swings. But, hitting hurts, and also I will not allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to safeguard yourself if needed.

• Focusing too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he is OK to do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a big hug and say “I’m mad!” Or ball his hands into clenched fists and growl. The objective is to enable him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.

Remember the Golden Rule

I told you previously that positive parenting works for all ages – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and also everything in between. So let’s think about young adults in our next example … Selective Mutism In Teenagers

Respectful parenting goes both ways. That indicates what we desire to obtain from our child, we must be willing to provide. If I am impolite, controlling and sarcastic to my teen simply since I “have every right given that I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you assume that reveals to my child?

It is much easier to offer respect to somebody when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or father, you can set the example and show your teenager that you value their viewpoint, and also you value them as an individual. Selective Mutism In Teenagers

This does not indicate you have to be a pushover. It does indicate you can be kind in the face of problems. It will accomplish more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.

In a similar way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we desire our teen to treat us with even more regard, the first step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing just that to everybody in your life. Selective Mutism In Teenagers

Are you kind to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and also to the customer service representative on the phone? In each of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you have to be thinking about. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.

Is positive parenting really effective?

I can answer this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I could share an individual story …

Just a few days ago, my two daughters were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, and she said she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was having fun with.

My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, after that came back and also returned the stolen sticker, apologized and also asked for forgiveness.

They made up, hugged and started playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or intimidate any person to resolve the problem. And yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You know why? Selective Mutism In Teenagers

Due to the fact that we have actually modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, exactly how to settle disputes, and even just how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.

The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat every person around us with respect, and model the actions we desire, you would certainly be amazed at what’s feasible.

Some readers could be wondering about my husband, Antonio, as well as his two teen boys from a previous relationship. In time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively also, as well as the repair of their relationship is nothing except miraculous.

So exactly how can you evolve to be a positive parent? Selective Mutism In Teenagers

This is the million-dollar question! Knowing positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I’ve ever before done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be tough to alter your old parenting style. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. As well as a year or two from now, you won’t think how much you have actually changed, along with the closer relationship you have with your kids.

I recommend anyone that is serious about coming to be an extra positive mom or father to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Selective Mutism In Teenagers

You have actually possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of variety of media networks. Her products have actually been life-altering for greater than 75,000 parents across the globe, and there’s no better parenting guidance you can genuinely use every day.

In her totally free class, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of every age to listen WITHOUT manipulating or yelling. She’ll assist you in starting parenting positive, and also find out how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the complimentary class by clicking the button shown below. Selective Mutism In Teenagers


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