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When I initially came to be a mommy, I knew that I wanted to do things differently than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best job they could, however they didn’t have access to the variety of positive parenting tools offered today. Shameka Holdsclaw
There were a couple of books on our shelf regarding dealing with power struggles, just how to deal with the strong-willed child, and just how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I clearly recall thinking at the time, “My parents don’t understand me.”
I’m unsure exactly what they discovered in those books, but I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a lot of screaming, and also a great deal of just plain tempers raging.
It was a tough period of time. And our connection is still strained today, although I’ve truly forgiven them for their mistakes. I’ve begun to realize that, while nobody is without flaws, it is our obligation to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I wanted to break the cycle when I came to be a mommy.Shameka Holdsclaw
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my strategy Shameka Holdsclaw
My own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest little girl was born. I began reviewing articles about how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, shouting, severe punishments as well as basically every other traditionally accepted parenting technique.
I started to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I know there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow everybody to get their needs fulfilled. I discovered:
• Handling power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how every one of these ideas bring about healthy child development Shameka Holdsclaw
Along the way, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique perspective. He had two teenage boys from a previous marriage, and also had experienced firsthand how being the “mean father” could appear to work for the moment. Long-term, it was only breeding disrespect, anger as well as bitterness in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child connection.
Given his background and also finding out precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to examining and also following through with positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting really mean anyway? Shameka Holdsclaw
Let me inform you what it doesn’t mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Overlooking major wrongdoing
• Providing your children every little thing they want Shameka Holdsclaw
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “the real world”
• Having no limits
You might see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting technique acknowledges the reality that collaboration consistently yields far better long-lasting results than harsh control.
Moms and dads who embrace this design have actually learned to cultivate:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Establishing healthy limits
• Developing a child’s foundational character traits
• Helping children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not due to the fact that they are afraid of retribution if they do not … Besides, what takes place when they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Acknowledgment that both children and parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Helping kids to develop self-restraint
• Going deeper than mere outside conformity as well as concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first started down the path of gentle parenting, I could not picture that there were various other techniques to “get a child to behave” besides punishing as well as shouting. That’s just how I was raised, and therefore I just had no understanding about anything different. Shameka Holdsclaw
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online program.
Discover the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s commonly easier (and more typical in today’s society) to think children are simply spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
We can progress a great deal further towards addressing power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs much like you and also me. And many times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re at on the brain as well as language development growth spectrum. Shameka Holdsclaw
A toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that enables self-discipline) is not yet matured. That indicates they can go from cloud nine one moment to complete tantrum the next. So as opposed to fighting a losing fight by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Toddlers have little self-control to begin with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that implies there is always a key emotion underneath it
• The majority of upset children are really frightened and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of basic needs that need to be addressed first. As an example, if a child is starving or exhausted, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Focus on meeting that large need first.
• Empathize with his feelings without approving of the actions (“I can see that you’re really mad since I said we couldn’t go to the park today. I recognize it’s hard since you really want to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, so I will not let you do it”) … After that, move away to protect yourself if necessary.
• Concentrating more on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the scenario worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he is OK to do to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and also say “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The goal is to enable him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting works for every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens as well as everyone in between. So let’s talk about teens in our following example … Shameka Holdsclaw
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we desire to receive from our child, we must be ready to provide. If I am rude, controlling and sarcastic to my teen merely because I “have every right given that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my child started it,” what do you think that communicates to my child?
It is much easier to give respect to a person when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mama or dad, you can set the example and also communicate to your teenager that you value their viewpoint, and also you value them as an individual. Shameka Holdsclaw
This doesn’t suggest you need to be a pushover. It does mean you can be kind in the face of disputes. It will certainly accomplish more than you anticipate to set the stage for problem solving with each other toward a resolution.
In a similar way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we want our young adult to treat us with even more regard, the initial step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing just that to every person in your life. Shameka Holdsclaw
Are you gentle to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, as well as to the customer care representative on the phone? In every one of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking about. Remember, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I can share a personal recollection …
Just recently, my 2 daughters were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, and she stated she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, then came back and returned the swiped sticker, apologized as well as asked for forgiveness.
They made up, embraced as well as started playing once more gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or manipulate any individual to deal with the problem. And also yet we experienced a lovely resolution. You know why? Shameka Holdsclaw
Due to the fact that we have actually modeled for our children just how to problem solve, exactly how to fix conflict, and also even exactly how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, treat everyone around us with respect, and model the actions we want, you would certainly be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some readers could be wondering about my partner, Antonio, and also his 2 teen boys from a previous marriage. Over time, Antonio has actually started parenting positively as well, and the repair of their connection is nothing except miraculous.
So just how can you come to be a positive parent? Shameka Holdsclaw
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I will not lie to you – it can be hard to alter your old parenting style. Yet gradually, you will certainly make improvements. And a year or more from now, you won’t think how much you have actually altered, in addition to the closer connection you have with your kids.
I suggest anyone that is serious about becoming a more positive mommy or father to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Shameka Holdsclaw
You’ve probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media channels. Her products have been life-changing for more than 75,000 parents across the globe, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can really use every day.
In her totally free webinar, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of any age to behave WITHOUT nagging or screaming. She’ll help you in beginning parenting positive, and also find out how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the totally free class by clicking the button below. Shameka Holdsclaw
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