Ting Xu – How I Applied Positive Parenting to Ultimately Get My Kids to Listen

Ting Xu
HAZEL DEAN
Wife to Antonio, and mommy of two girls

When I first came to be a mom, I understood that I intended to do things differently than how I was brought up. My mom and dad did the best they could, yet they really did not have accessibility to the wide variety of positive parenting tools readily available today. Ting Xu

There were a few books on our bookshelf about taking care of power struggles, how to deal with the strong-willed child, as well as how to get your kids to do what you say. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I clearly remember thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad do not understand me.”

I’m not exactly sure exactly what they discovered in those books, but I experienced a great deal of spanking, a great deal of shouting, and a lot of just plain losing control.

It was a challenging number of years. And our connection is still strained today, although I’ve sincerely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I have actually begun to realize that, while no one is without flaws, it is our responsibility to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I intended to stop the cycle when I became a mother.Ting Xu

From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my solution Ting Xu

My very own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest little girl was born. I started checking out blog posts about how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged through spanking, screaming, severe punishments as well as practically every other typically approved parenting strategy.

I started to think, “Well, if you can’t do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to pay attention to you?” Little did I realize there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow everyone to have their needs satisfied. I found out about:

• Problem-solving

• Solving power struggles

• Solid communication skills

• Natural consequences

• Just how all of these concepts result in healthy child development Ting Xu

Ting Xu

In the process, my other half Antonio joined my journey. Yet he brought a different viewpoint. He had 2 teen boys from a previous marriage, and had actually witnessed firsthand just how being the “mean dad” could seem to work temporarily. But long-term, it was just fostering disrespect, anger and also resentment in what was meant to be a caring parent-child partnership.

Considering his background and also discovering precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to researching as well as implementing positive parenting in our lives.

So what does positive parenting mean anyhow? Ting Xu

Let me tell you what it does not suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:

• Letting your kids run wild

• Being a passive parent

• Overlooking significant misbehavior

• Providing your children whatever they ask for Ting Xu

• Being a servant on-call 24/7

• Safeguarding your kids from what will be expected of them in “real life”

• Having no limits

You may see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting technique recognizes the fact that collaboration consistently generates far better lasting outcomes than forced control.

Moms and dads that adopt this design have actually learned to cultivate:

• Common respect

• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)

• Setting healthy boundaries

• Developing a child’s fundamental character traits

Encouraging children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not because they fear retribution if they do not … After all, what occurs as soon as they’re grownups and the threat of punishment is over?

• Acknowledgment that both children and also parents need to be heard and valued

• Assisting kids to grow their self-control

• Going much deeper than simple external compliance and also concentrating on the child’s heart

The amusing thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.

What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?

When I initially started down the path of gentle parenting, I could not believe that there were other ways to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also screaming. That’s just how I was treated as a child, and therefore I simply had no framework for anything different. Ting Xu

I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has functioned as parenting guide to countless moms and dads, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.

Below are a number of the techniques Amy teaches to help you to evolve into the mommy or father you have actually always wished to be, as well as help your child to reach his or her highest potential.

Find the root of the behavior

I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s frequently much easier (and also more common in today’s world) to think children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.

But we can get a great deal further toward fixing power struggles when we see children as little humans. They have needs much like you and also me. And also frequently their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development spectrum. Ting Xu

For instance, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-discipline) is not yet formed. That means they can go from joyful one minute to major tantrum the next. Rather than combating a losing fight by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:

• Toddlers have little self-restraint to start with

• Anger is a secondary feeling – that suggests there is typically a key emotion below it

• Many angry children are in fact scared and/or sad

So what’s a peaceful parent to do?

• Determine if there are any kind of basic needs that need to be addressed initially. For instance, if a child is hungry or exhausted, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Focus on addressing that big need first.

• Empathize with his feelings without approving of the behavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely upset since I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s tough due to the fact that you really wish to play on the swings. However, hitting hurts, and I will not allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if needed.

• Concentrating more on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he is OK to do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a big hug and also say loudly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and also growl. The point is to allow him to share his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.

Remember the Golden Rule

I informed you earlier that positive parenting benefits any age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and everyone in between. So let’s talk about young adults in our next scenario … Ting Xu

Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we desire to get from our child, we must be prepared to give. If I am rude, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my young adult merely due to the fact that I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or because “my kid started it,” what do you think that reveals to my child?

It is a lot easier to offer respect to someone when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or daddy, you can set the example and communicate to your young adult that you value their point of view, as well as you appreciate them as an individual. Ting Xu

This doesn’t imply you have to be a pushover. Yet it does indicate you can be kind despite problems. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.

In a comparable way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we want our teen to treat us with more regard, the first step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing just that to everybody in your life. Ting Xu

Are you gentle to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, as well as to the customer service representative on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be considering. Keep in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.

Is positive parenting really effective?

I can answer this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I could share an individual recollection …

Just recently, my two daughters were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old how she really felt, and also she said she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.

My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, then returned and also returned the stolen sticker label, apologized as well as requested forgiveness.

They made up, embraced and also started playing again gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or intimidate any person to settle the conflict. As well as yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You recognize why? Ting Xu

Due to the fact that we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, exactly how to resolve disputes, and also even exactly how to say sorry. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.

The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat every person around us with respect, and also model the behavior we desire, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.

Some readers may be wondering about my partner, Antonio, and also his 2 adolescent boys from a previous relationship. Over time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively too, and the repair of their relationship is nothing except miraculous.

So how can you evolve to be a positive parent? Ting Xu

This is the million-dollar question! Knowing positive parenting is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever before done. I will not lie to you – it can be challenging to transform your old way of life. However gradually, you will certainly make improvements. And a year or two from now, you won’t believe how much you have actually changed, along with the closer partnership you have with your kids.

I suggest any person who is serious about becoming an extra positive mommy or daddy to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Ting Xu

You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of variety of media channels. Her products have actually been life-altering for greater than 75,000 moms and dads across the globe, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can absolutely use every day.

In her complimentary webinar, Amy shares how to get kids of every age to listen WITHOUT manipulating or screaming. She’ll assist you in starting parenting positive, and also discover how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the free webinar by clicking the button below. Ting Xu


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