When I first came to be a mom, I understood that I wished to do things in different ways than how I was parented. My mom and dad did the best job they could, but they didn’t have access to the wide variety of positive parenting tools offered today. Toy Hoarder
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf concerning handling power struggles, exactly how to discipline the strong-willed child, and also just how to get your kids to comply. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I noticeably recall thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”
I’m not sure just what they learned in those books, however I experienced a lot of spanking, a great deal of yelling, and also a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a tough number of years. And our connection is still strained today, although I have genuinely forgiven them for their mistakes. I have actually begun to realize that, while no one is perfect, it is our responsibility to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wanted to stop the cycle when I came to be a mom.Toy Hoarder
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my approach Toy Hoarder
My own experience with positive parenting started when my first little girl was born. I started reviewing material about exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, yelling, harsh punishments and pretty much every other generally approved parenting strategy.
I began to believe, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I know there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that enable every person to get their needs fulfilled. I learned about:
• Solving power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How every one of these concepts cause healthy and balanced child development Toy Hoarder
During my learning experience, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. However he brought a different perspective. He had two teenage boys from a previous marriage, and also had actually experienced firsthand just how being the “mean dad” could seem to help temporarily. In the long run, it was just fostering disrespect, contempt and also resentment in what was expected to be a caring parent-child partnership.
Given his background and finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to examining and following through with positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting mean anyhow? Toy Hoarder
Let me tell you what it does not imply. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Overlooking significant wrongdoing
• Offering your children every little thing they ask for Toy Hoarder
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will be expected of them in “real life”
• Having no boundaries
You might see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting approach identifies the truth that collaboration always generates much better lasting outcomes than forced control.
Parents who adopt this design have actually figured out how to cultivate:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Establishing healthy boundaries
• Building a child’s foundational character traits
• Encouraging children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not due to the fact that they are afraid of punishment if they do not … Nevertheless, what takes place once they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is removed?
• Recommendation that both children and also parents need to be heard and also valued
• Assisting kids to develop self-restraint
• Going deeper than mere outside compliance and also focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first began on the journey of gentle parenting, I could not imagine that there were other methods to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments as well as yelling. That’s just how I was raised, and I obviously had no framework for anything different. Toy Hoarder
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually functioned as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online course.
Identify the root of the misbehavior
I told you this is deep. It’s frequently simpler (and also extra common in today’s world) to think children are just spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.
We can progress a great deal more toward solving power struggles when we see children as little humans. They have needs similar to you and me. And frequently their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re currently at on the brain as well as language development growth spectrum. Toy Hoarder
As an example, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-discipline) is not yet matured. That indicates they can go from joyful one moment to major tantrum the next. Rather than fighting a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that implies there is always a key feeling under it
• The majority of upset children are in fact anxious and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any kind of fundamental needs that must be met initially. As an example, if a child is hungry or exhausted, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Concentrate on meeting that large need initially.
• Validate his feelings without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re truly mad due to the fact that I said we could not go to the park today. I know it’s difficult because you genuinely really want to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, and I won’t let you do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if necessary.
• Focusing way too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a big hug and also say loudly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands right into fists and also growl. The point is to permit him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting works for any age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens as well as everyone in between. So let’s think about teenagers in our next example … Toy Hoarder
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we desire to obtain from our child, we must be willing to offer. If I am impolite, manipulative and also sarcastic to my teen just because I “have every right since I am the parent” or since “my kid started it,” what do you believe that teaches my child?
It is a lot easier to provide respect to someone when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mother or dad, you can set the standard and communicate to your teen that you value their viewpoint, and you value them as a person. Toy Hoarder
This doesn’t suggest you need to be a pushover. But it does suggest you can be kind when faced with problems. It will certainly accomplish more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.
In a comparable way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. So, if we desire our young adult to treat us with more regard, the primary step is to ensure that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everyone in your life. Toy Hoarder
Are you kind to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and to the customer support associate on the phone? In each of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be thinking of. Remember, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this with a resounding “Yes!” Or I can share an individual story …
Just recently, my two girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, as well as she stated she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, then returned and also returned the swiped sticker label, apologized and requested forgiveness.
They made up, embraced as well as started playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or manipulate any individual to fix the conflict. As well as yet we experienced a stunning resolution. You recognize why? Toy Hoarder
Because we have actually modeled for our children just how to problem solve, exactly how to fix disputes, and even how to apologize. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat everyone around us with respect, and also model the actions we want, you would certainly be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some readers may be wondering about my hubby, Antonio, and his two teen sons from a previous marriage. With time, Antonio has started parenting positively also, as well as the repair of their connection is nothing except a miracle.
So exactly how can you come to be a positive parent? Toy Hoarder
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is among the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done. I won’t lie to you – it can be difficult to transform your old way of life. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or 2 from now, you will not believe just how much you’ve transformed, together with the closer connection you have with your kids.
I recommend anyone who is serious about growing to be a more positive mom or father to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Toy Hoarder
You have actually most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any variety of media channels. Her products have been life-altering for more than 75,000 parents around the world, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can absolutely apply every day.
In her totally free class, Amy shares how to help kids of any age to listen WITHOUT manipulating or yelling. She’ll assist you in beginning parenting positive, and learn how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the free class by clicking the button shown below. Toy Hoarder
Disclosure: Some of the links in this post are affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.