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When I initially came to be a mommy, I understood that I intended to do things in different ways than how I was raised. My mother and father did the very best they could, but they didn’t have accessibility to the huge selection of positive parenting tools readily available today. Whenshould
There were a few books on our shelf concerning dealing with power struggles, how to deal with the strong-willed child, and also just how to get your kids to do what you say. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I noticeably recall thinking at the time, “My mom and dad do not understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure exactly what they discovered in those books, but I experienced a great deal of spanking, a great deal of yelling, as well as a great deal of just plain tempers raging.
It was a challenging period of time. And also our relationship is still strained today, although I’ve genuinely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I have actually begun to understand that, while no person is without flaws, it is our obligation to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I wished to break the cycle when I became a mommy.Whenshould
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my strategy Whenshould
My own experience with positive parenting began when my first little girl was born. I started reading articles regarding exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, yelling, harsh punishments and also basically every other commonly approved parenting method.
I started to assume, “Well, if you can’t do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I understand there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to have their needs fulfilled. I learned about:
• Solving power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how every one of these principles lead to healthy child development Whenshould
In the process, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. Yet he brought a different perspective. He had two teen boys from a previous relationship, and had actually seen firsthand how being the “mean dad” may appear to work for the moment. In the long run, it was just fostering disrespect, anger and bitterness in what was supposed to be a caring parent-child relationship.
Given his background and also finding out precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to examining and following through with positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting mean anyway? Whenshould
Initially, let me inform you what it does not indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids do whatever they want
• Being a lazy parent
• Overlooking major misbehavior
• Offering your children whatever they ask for Whenshould
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “real life”
• Having no limitations
You may hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting technique acknowledges the fact that cooperation consistently produces better long-term outcomes than forced control.
Moms and dads that embrace this concept have actually learned to cultivate:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Setting healthy limits
• Developing a child’s fundamental character traits
• Assisting children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not because they fear retribution if they do not … Nevertheless, what takes place as soon as they’re grownups and the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Acknowledgment that both children and also parents need to be heard and valued
• Encouraging kids to establish self-control
• Going deeper than mere external compliance and also concentrating on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started on the journey of gentle parenting, I couldn’t visualize that there were various other techniques to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments as well as yelling. That’s how I was parented, and I just had no framework for anything different. Whenshould
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert as well as founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually functioned as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online course.
Get to the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep. It’s frequently simpler (and also more common in today’s society) to assume children are just spoiled brats, which is why they act out.
We can progress a great deal more towards addressing power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They have needs much like you and me. And many times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and language development spectrum. Whenshould
A toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that makes it possible for self-restraint) is not yet developed. That indicates they can go from happy one moment to major meltdown the next. Rather than fighting a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-control to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that means there is typically a primary feeling beneath it
• The majority of upset children are in fact scared and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of fundamental needs that need to be met first. As an example, if a child is starving or worn out, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Focus on addressing that big need initially.
• Acknowledge his emotions without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re truly angry due to the fact that I said we could not go to the park today. I understand it’s tough since you truly really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and I won’t let you do it”) … Then, move away to protect yourself if necessary.
• Focusing too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do just makes the scenario even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he is OK to do to let off steam when he is furious – like surround himself in a huge hug and say firmly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands into fists and growl. The point is to permit him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting benefits every age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens and also everything in between. So let’s think about teenagers in our following example … Whenshould
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That indicates what we intend to get from our child, we should agree to give first. If I am disrespectful, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my teenager just because I “have every right since I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my kid started it,” what do you assume that communicates to my child?
It is much easier to offer respect to someone when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mama or dad, you can set the example and communicate to your young adult that you value their opinion, and you respect them as an individual. Whenshould
This doesn’t suggest you need to be a pushover. It does suggest you can be kind in the face of conflict. It will certainly accomplish more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a comparable way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. So, if we desire our teen to treat us with more regard, the first step is to see to it that you, as the parent, are doing just that to everybody in your life. Whenshould
Are you kind to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, and to the customer support associate on the phone? In each of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be considering. Bear in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could answer this one with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I can share an individual story …
Just recently, my two young girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she really felt, as well as she claimed she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, after that came back as well as returned the swiped sticker label, said sorry and also asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged as well as started playing again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or manipulate anyone to fix the conflict. And yet we experienced a stunning resolution. You recognize why? Whenshould
Since we have actually modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, how to settle conflict, and even exactly how to apologize. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat every person around us with respect, and also model the habits we desire, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some readers may be wondering about my other half, Antonio, and his two teen boys from a previous relationship. Gradually, Antonio has actually started parenting positively too, as well as the restoration of their connection is nothing short of a miracle.
How can you become a positive parent? Whenshould
This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I have actually ever done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be tough to transform your old way of life. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. As well as a year or more from now, you won’t think just how much you have actually transformed, together with the closer relationship you have with your kids.
I recommend anybody that is serious about coming to be a much more positive mom or father to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Whenshould
You’ve most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media channels. Her products have been life-altering for greater than 75,000 parents around the world, and also there’s no better parenting guidance you can genuinely use every day.
In her free webinar, Amy shares how to get kids of any age to behave WITHOUT nagging or screaming. She’ll assist you in starting parenting positive, and also learn how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the complimentary class by clicking the button below. Whenshould
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